Dark Places...

My inner critic is constant and extremely tenacious and when her voice is joined with the voices of actual critics, the noise is overpowering and concerning. Recently, these combined voices have taken me to a very dark place.  It is a dismal place where I am plagued with questions of self-worth and purpose, such as "Why am I here?" and “What is my purpose?”     A hopeless place where I have called into question what I have always believed I was called to do.  Painful questions… "If I'm not allowed to do what I love, what will come of me?" or “Have I been fooling myself this whole time?”  Given my family history with depression, this place and these feelings frighten me to my core. 

There are two passages from the bible that I have turned to in the past for comfort and strength. One promises that God's plan for me is one of hope and not disaster. The other promises that God can shed light into the darkness. Both of them have seen me through some extremely dark times.  Interestingly, I have stumbled across another that seems to be calling to me – “live by the sword, die by the sword”. When I shared this with a friend who was asking how I was feeling, she looked at me strangely.  These are compelling words that seem completely inappropriate for the situation, but to me they call forth a promise of karmic balance. To me, the sword can be symbolic of the attitude with which we approach life…you reap what you sow…you get back what you give…what goes around, comes around.  I feel challenged to explore and examine my "sword".  What have I been sowing?  What have I put forth into the universe…positivity or negativity?  I know what I hope I’ve been sowing, but, perhaps, I am misleading myself.  These are humbling questions to ask and explore, but the answers just may be what is needed to light this darkness.  Maybe the lesson to learn is that I can’t change others, I can only change myself.