Dark Places...

My inner critic is constant and extremely tenacious and when her voice is joined with the voices of actual critics, the noise is overpowering and concerning. Recently, these combined voices have taken me to a very dark place.  It is a dismal place where I am plagued with questions of self-worth and purpose, such as "Why am I here?" and “What is my purpose?”     A hopeless place where I have called into question what I have always believed I was called to do.  Painful questions… "If I'm not allowed to do what I love, what will come of me?" or “Have I been fooling myself this whole time?”  Given my family history with depression, this place and these feelings frighten me to my core. 

There are two passages from the bible that I have turned to in the past for comfort and strength. One promises that God's plan for me is one of hope and not disaster. The other promises that God can shed light into the darkness. Both of them have seen me through some extremely dark times.  Interestingly, I have stumbled across another that seems to be calling to me – “live by the sword, die by the sword”. When I shared this with a friend who was asking how I was feeling, she looked at me strangely.  These are compelling words that seem completely inappropriate for the situation, but to me they call forth a promise of karmic balance. To me, the sword can be symbolic of the attitude with which we approach life…you reap what you sow…you get back what you give…what goes around, comes around.  I feel challenged to explore and examine my "sword".  What have I been sowing?  What have I put forth into the universe…positivity or negativity?  I know what I hope I’ve been sowing, but, perhaps, I am misleading myself.  These are humbling questions to ask and explore, but the answers just may be what is needed to light this darkness.  Maybe the lesson to learn is that I can’t change others, I can only change myself.  

Walls

I sit at my table and wage war on myself
It seems like it's all, it's all for nothing
I know the barricades, and
I know the mortar in the wall breaks
I recognize the weapons, I used them well

 

~World Leader Pretend

R.E.M.

 

 

Mornings...

Carefully, I measure the sugar and creamer into my coffee. Gently, yet deliberately, I stir. As I watch myself, the hand and actions look vaguely familiar. This hand is younger; the movements, not as skillful. It is then that I realize that I am slowly and easily becoming more like my Mama. This makes me smile.

The Gift

I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.  ~Dr. Haim Ginott

I have been teaching now for twenty-one years…twenty-one long, challenging and extremely rewarding years.  During this time, I have seen many changes in education - on  local, state, and  national levels.  I have taught through a number of administrative changes – from principals, superintendents, governors and presidents.  They all seem to come and go, but here I remain…same little town, same little school. My journey is with these students…these siblings and, now, children of former students.

After so many years, I have come to know their stories - their struggles, their triumphs, their challenges, and their celebrations.  I have seen their tears and heard their laughter.  I have felt both their anger and their hugs.  Even the children and families I am meeting for the very first time…their stories are familiar.

All teachers know these stories because that’s what we do…we listen, we watch, we wait, we nudge, …we are present.

Over the past twenty-one years, I have had children who were homeless, hungry, abandoned, ignored, angry, violated, and medically fragile.  I have conferenced with parents who were discouraged, addicted, overwhelmed, suicidal, and illiterate.  Despite all these barriers, my job remains to educate these children –to motivate, encourage, support, inspire, and nurture them. But, like Chicago teacher, Allie Griffin…

"I teach…. because I leave my job every day knowing that I gave a lot, but was given [so much] more".

I Think She Deserved Better...

Noneal Davenport

My mama died of metastatic breast cancer two years and seven months ago.  She was a wonderful, gentle, kind and talented woman who worked hard raising four children and three step-children.  She also worked as a graphic artist for her own business and, later, as a substitute teacher for special ed classes.

 However, for 20+ years, she did not have health insurance, until she reached age 65, due to several serious pre-existing health conditions.  She did not go to the ER for sore throats and ear infections.  She worked hard to pay her bills to specialists, hospitals, and surgeons.  There were a number of times that her concerns and symptoms were overlooked by doctors because the tests she needed were too costly for someone without insurance.  As a result, I believe that the health care she was able to pay for out of pocket was inferior and sub-standard. 

I wish that she had been able to get the health coverage she deserved - regardless of her pre-existing conditions.  I wish that her many mammograms had been covered 100%.  I wish that she was alive today. 

If I take to heart some of the articles, posts and comments I’ve read in the past 24 hours, these wishes make me a “moron”, a “socialist”, a “bleeding heart”, an “imbecile”, and “brain – washed”.  And, apparently, my mama’s lack of health coverage made her a lazy, mooching, good-for-nothing low-life who got what she deserved…death.

 Luckily, I don’t believe everything I read, but… it still cuts me to the quick. 

Soothe the Savage Soul...

Sit back and enjoy some good music!

Now I Become Myself :: The search for vocation, by Parker Palmer

Now I Become Myself :: The search for vocation, by Parker Palmer

Hindsight...

Hindsight..., a photo by Margaret Zimmer on Flickr.

Southern Mannequin

Southern Mannequin...Instagram, a photo by Margaret Zimmer on Flickr.

snow in georgia...

, a photo by Margaret Zimmer on Flickr.